In Praise of Silent Movies, or Shut Your Big Mouth

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books, humor, movies, rant, The Artist, The Descendants

Copyright The Weinstein Company

Movies are awesome…

I love movies. They can be visually stunning, intellectually stimulating, and just plain old fun. There is nothing quite like the experience of standing in line for your ticket, getting snacks, finding your seat, checking your watch repeatedly to see how soon the movie will start, and then getting that little jolt of anticipation as the lights dim for previews. The movies return us all to the imaginative days of childhood, when we could ignore the world around us and be mesmerized by an engaging story. Unfortunately, many movie goers are apparently transformed into children in another way– lack of manners. This is not a post all about how incredible silent movies are. This is a post about how annoying unsilent movie theaters are.

This week I saw two movies in theaters: The Artist and The Descendants. Both were absolutely outstanding. The Artist was clearly deserving of the best picture Oscar, and Jean Dujardin’s acting is some of the best I have ever seen in recent memory. The Descendants was poignant and entertaining, and George Clooney remains one of my favorite actors of the past few decades. If only the movies were being considered, I would have a tough time choosing which I enjoyed more. The movie-going experience was very different between the two.

Copyright Fox Searchlight Pictures

…but shut up!

I saw The Artist in the middle of a weekday, in a theater that was nearly completely empty. The three other people in the theater were very quiet, and I can’t remember hearing a sound that didn’t come from the movie for the entire two hours of the film. That was an especially important detail as the The Artist is largely a silent film. My wife and I saw The Descendants during the evening, in a surprisingly crowded theater for a movie released months ago. The noise was unbelievable, and the experience was much less enjoyable as a result. For that reason, I have crafted a list of guidelines for moviegoers who might forget the laws of decency.

• Don’t let your snacks become a distraction. Before the movie even began we noticed a strange rhythmic sound, something akin to an army of caterpillars devouring the produce section at a grocery store. It was the popcorn chew. I’m not sure if people were chewing with their mouths open or if the popcorn was plated in aluminum foil, but the volume was ridiculous. This rule also applies to those of you rustling your candy wrappers or shaking your box of Junior Mints to get the last few stragglers that escaped the vacuum that is your mouth.
• TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE!!! I can feel my blood pressure spiking as I type this rule. I understand that when cell phones were new, you might occasionally forget to turn them off. That excuse died more than a decade ago. How many times does the theater have to play the request to turn off cell phones for it to penetrate your thick skull? I could even be forgiving if it rang and you immediately silenced it and turned it off. What I can’t forgive is the lady sitting behind us last night who answered her phone and proceeded to talk on it. It is a minor miracle that I am not on trial for cellular homicide.
• Keep Your Reactions to Yourself. Part of the fun of movies is allowing yourself to be taken in by the world on the screen. Movies engage your emotions and can evoke strong reactions. I get it. If you get scared, gasp. If you think something is beautiful, murmur admiration. If something is funny, laugh. That does not mean you should repeat your reaction ten times (I am talking about you, lady who said a dozen ‘Wows’ every time there was a shot of Hawaiian scenery). That does not mean you should repeat the joke or discuss with your companion how scared you were, especially not at your normal speaking volume!
• React appropriately. This is an addendum to the previous rule. I recognize that we don’t all react to the same scene in the same way. What I find funny might not amuse you, and what you find sad might not seem so touching to me. That said, it is not difficult to recognize moments that are meant to be sad. Do not ruin them by reacting inappropriately. For example, there was a heartbreaking scene in The Descendants in which one character gives a very emotional speech to a woman in a coma (I won’t ruin it with specifics). In the middle of the speech, the camera cuts to the woman in the coma. Her eyes are closed, her mouth is open, her cheeks are sunken, and she looks every bit the part of a brain-dead patient. It was extremely sad. Half of the audience laughed at the dying woman’s appearance. REALLY?! YOUR ONLY REACTION TO SEEING A PERSON BARE THEIR SOUL TO A DYING WOMAN IS TO LAUGH BECAUSE THE COMA PATIENT LOOKS STRANGE?! If that wasn’t bad enough, soon after that scene the dying woman’s husband says his goodbye. After speaking to his dying wife, he leans in and kisses her on the lips. This touching gesture was greeted by a chorus of “EWWS!” If you can’t contain your childish reaction, then don’t go see a movie that requires adult emotional responses. Stick to Michael Bay’s special effects spectaculars, there is much less thinking involved.
• Do not finish the lines for the actors. I go to the movies to see good actors reciting well-crafted dialogue. I do not want to hear you finishing lines with what you either expect the actor to say or wish they would say. The Descendants won an Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay. If memory serves, you weren’t one of the people who accepted that trophy, lady sitting down the row from us. It is a very simple rule: SHUT UP DURING THE MOVIE!!!

In case you didn’t notice, I am a little bit irritated. Call me old-fashioned, call me grumpy, or call me unreasonable. Whatever you call me, wait until after the movie to open your trap! Here endeth the rant.

#13: Chronicle of a Death Foretold by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

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100 books, book review, books, classics, literature

My goal for Spring Break was to read five novels in the course of this week.  I met that target last night with Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ Chronicle of a Death Foretold.  There are a lot of books out there that are very good but seem to be too long, as though the author and editor were both afraid to cut the fluff.  Marquez’ Chronicle is the perfect example of what can happen when the author is bold in his cuts.  This short novel clocks in at 143 pages, and not a word is wasted.

Chronicle of a Death Foretold reconstructs the brutal murder of Santiago Nasar at the hands of twin brothers Pedro and Pablo Vicario.  It is narrated by an anonymous character who was a friend of both Nasar and the Vicario brothers from childhood.  Decades have passed since the murder, and the narrator has decided to reconstruct the events based on evidence he has gathered in an effort to make sense of the tragic event.

Santiago Nasar is a young and wealthy man who has inherited a ranch from his father.  The novel opens with him preparing to greet the bishop, who is coming by boat to bless the marriage of a wealthy foreigner, Bayardo San Roman, and a beautiful young local woman, Angela Vicario.  Nasar is badly hungover from the wedding festivities of the previous night, which he enjoyed alongside the narrator, the Vicario twins, and a few other good friends.  Unbeknownst to this group, while they were partying Bayardo San Roman quietly returned his bride to the house of her parents after leaning that she was not a virgin.  Nasar parts with his friends to slowly return home, and the Vicarios are called home by their mother to deal with the looming family crisis.  The brothers insist that their sister reveal the man who took her virginity, and she names Santiago Nasar.  Honor demands that the brothers kill their friend.

The narrator includes an element of uncertainty, insisting that it was highly unlikely that Nasar ever had the opportunity to take Angela’s virginity, and that his friends would have known about it already.  This question is never clearly resolved.  The rumor was enough to require satisfaction, and the Vicario twins begin planning their revenge for the following morning.  They do not go about this planning in a quiet manner.  Instead, they tell everyone they meet about their intentions.  Nobody takes the necessary steps to prevent the murder, despite the apparent wish of the brothers to be prevented from completing this act.  Honor requires the murder, but the brothers do not desire it.  They even go so far as to wait outside of a door Nasar never uses to leave his home, and inform the mayor and other local notables prior to the murder.  Ultimately, nobody acts to stop them and Nasar is stabbed to death.

I loved this book.  It is concise and engaging, with a realistic quality that puts the reader on the streets of the town as the foretold death comes to pass.  I was reminded of the classic Gary Cooper film High Noon, in which a sheriff is unable to rouse any townspeople to help him confront a band of violent gunslingers.  Just like Cooper, the Vicario brothers appeal to the people of the town for help in preventing the murder they are required to commit.  No townspeople act to prevent the tragedy, making them all somewhat complicit in Nasar’s murder.  Some even urge the brothers on, living vicariously through the Vicarios (classic pun, I know).  This is only the second Marquez book I have read, but I look forward to reading many more in the future.

The Current Count

13 Read, 87 To Go