In Praise of Silent Movies, or Shut Your Big Mouth

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books, humor, movies, rant, The Artist, The Descendants

Copyright The Weinstein Company

Movies are awesome…

I love movies. They can be visually stunning, intellectually stimulating, and just plain old fun. There is nothing quite like the experience of standing in line for your ticket, getting snacks, finding your seat, checking your watch repeatedly to see how soon the movie will start, and then getting that little jolt of anticipation as the lights dim for previews. The movies return us all to the imaginative days of childhood, when we could ignore the world around us and be mesmerized by an engaging story. Unfortunately, many movie goers are apparently transformed into children in another way– lack of manners. This is not a post all about how incredible silent movies are. This is a post about how annoying unsilent movie theaters are.

This week I saw two movies in theaters: The Artist and The Descendants. Both were absolutely outstanding. The Artist was clearly deserving of the best picture Oscar, and Jean Dujardin’s acting is some of the best I have ever seen in recent memory. The Descendants was poignant and entertaining, and George Clooney remains one of my favorite actors of the past few decades. If only the movies were being considered, I would have a tough time choosing which I enjoyed more. The movie-going experience was very different between the two.

Copyright Fox Searchlight Pictures

…but shut up!

I saw The Artist in the middle of a weekday, in a theater that was nearly completely empty. The three other people in the theater were very quiet, and I can’t remember hearing a sound that didn’t come from the movie for the entire two hours of the film. That was an especially important detail as the The Artist is largely a silent film. My wife and I saw The Descendants during the evening, in a surprisingly crowded theater for a movie released months ago. The noise was unbelievable, and the experience was much less enjoyable as a result. For that reason, I have crafted a list of guidelines for moviegoers who might forget the laws of decency.

• Don’t let your snacks become a distraction. Before the movie even began we noticed a strange rhythmic sound, something akin to an army of caterpillars devouring the produce section at a grocery store. It was the popcorn chew. I’m not sure if people were chewing with their mouths open or if the popcorn was plated in aluminum foil, but the volume was ridiculous. This rule also applies to those of you rustling your candy wrappers or shaking your box of Junior Mints to get the last few stragglers that escaped the vacuum that is your mouth.
• TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE!!! I can feel my blood pressure spiking as I type this rule. I understand that when cell phones were new, you might occasionally forget to turn them off. That excuse died more than a decade ago. How many times does the theater have to play the request to turn off cell phones for it to penetrate your thick skull? I could even be forgiving if it rang and you immediately silenced it and turned it off. What I can’t forgive is the lady sitting behind us last night who answered her phone and proceeded to talk on it. It is a minor miracle that I am not on trial for cellular homicide.
• Keep Your Reactions to Yourself. Part of the fun of movies is allowing yourself to be taken in by the world on the screen. Movies engage your emotions and can evoke strong reactions. I get it. If you get scared, gasp. If you think something is beautiful, murmur admiration. If something is funny, laugh. That does not mean you should repeat your reaction ten times (I am talking about you, lady who said a dozen ‘Wows’ every time there was a shot of Hawaiian scenery). That does not mean you should repeat the joke or discuss with your companion how scared you were, especially not at your normal speaking volume!
• React appropriately. This is an addendum to the previous rule. I recognize that we don’t all react to the same scene in the same way. What I find funny might not amuse you, and what you find sad might not seem so touching to me. That said, it is not difficult to recognize moments that are meant to be sad. Do not ruin them by reacting inappropriately. For example, there was a heartbreaking scene in The Descendants in which one character gives a very emotional speech to a woman in a coma (I won’t ruin it with specifics). In the middle of the speech, the camera cuts to the woman in the coma. Her eyes are closed, her mouth is open, her cheeks are sunken, and she looks every bit the part of a brain-dead patient. It was extremely sad. Half of the audience laughed at the dying woman’s appearance. REALLY?! YOUR ONLY REACTION TO SEEING A PERSON BARE THEIR SOUL TO A DYING WOMAN IS TO LAUGH BECAUSE THE COMA PATIENT LOOKS STRANGE?! If that wasn’t bad enough, soon after that scene the dying woman’s husband says his goodbye. After speaking to his dying wife, he leans in and kisses her on the lips. This touching gesture was greeted by a chorus of “EWWS!” If you can’t contain your childish reaction, then don’t go see a movie that requires adult emotional responses. Stick to Michael Bay’s special effects spectaculars, there is much less thinking involved.
• Do not finish the lines for the actors. I go to the movies to see good actors reciting well-crafted dialogue. I do not want to hear you finishing lines with what you either expect the actor to say or wish they would say. The Descendants won an Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay. If memory serves, you weren’t one of the people who accepted that trophy, lady sitting down the row from us. It is a very simple rule: SHUT UP DURING THE MOVIE!!!

In case you didn’t notice, I am a little bit irritated. Call me old-fashioned, call me grumpy, or call me unreasonable. Whatever you call me, wait until after the movie to open your trap! Here endeth the rant.

Can your Kindle do this?

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books

You've got nothing on this, Kindle!

In case you didn’t know, I am an old man.  Not physically (I’m 24), but attitudinally speaking I am an antique.  My old age is most evident when it comes to technology (read a previous rant here).  I am not the biggest fan of newfangled electronic devices.  That said, I am beginning to come around.  I recently upgraded to a smart phone and I even admire the utility of the iPad. 

One device I have not warmed up to is the Amazon Kindle.  I know, I know– it can hold a million books.  It has a built-in dictionary.  It has access to free classic books.  It can download magazines.  It is so much more convenient than lugging around a stack of hardbacks. 

What’s my problem with the Kindle?  The problem isn’t so much what’s wrong with the Kindle, but what is right with books.  The Kindle doesn’t have the old book smell.  The Kindle doesn’t give you the satisfaction of closing the cover when you finally get through all of those pages.  Most of all, the Kindle doesn’t come with a story of its own.

Every book has two stories to tell.  The first is the most obvious– the story written on the pages.  The second story is the story of the book itself, what journey it took to land in a particular reader’s hands.  The book pictured above is the perfect example.  This is a copy of “Notes on the Miracles of Our Lord (Third Edition)” by Richard Chenevix Trench, published in 1850.  This book came to me from my Grandma, as one book in a large box full.  She in turn had been given them by the widow of a long-time family friend.  This family friend was a pastor, which explains the obscure volume of Biblical commentary.  How it came to the pastor, I do not know.

What I do know is that a Mr. Andrew of Glasgow, Scotland acquired this book in September 1920.  I know this because Mr. Andrew recorded his acquisition on the flyleaf.  What a story!  This book journeyed from Glasgow, Scotland in the 1920’s to Canadian, Texas in the 1990’s to Dallas, Texas in the 2000’s.  That is just the tip of the iceberg.

Pictured to the left is the inside cover.  It features two remarkable elements– a seal and an inscription.  The seal (close-up here) reads “Sig[illum] universitatis doctorum magistrorum et scolarium Sanctee Andree.”  Translated that is “Seal of the doctors, masters, and scholars of the University of Saint Andrew.”  This is the seal of St. Andrews University in Scotland.  As in the oldest university in Scotland.  The image of the seal is incredible.  The inscription is even better.  It reads “Awarded as a prize to Mr. Robert Bell for a valuable essay on the reasonableness and utility of confessions of the faith by Geo. Buist, Professor of Ecclesiastical History and Theology, St. Mary’s College, 25th March 1857.” (Close-up here)  A bit of internet research has informed me that George Buist was born in 1805 and died in 1860.  In addition to being a well-respected professor, Buist served as Moderator of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland in 1848 and was consulted by Parliament numerous times on matters related to education.  Robert Bell studied Greek, Latin, and Humanities at St. Andrews before continuing his studies in theology.  George Buist had this book on his bookshelf.  Robert Bell earned it by a well-written essay in 1857.  Mr. Andrew got his hands on it in 1920.  Now it is part of my library.

When the Kindle can offer a pedigree like that, I might consider making the purchase.

Bring in the funk…

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100 books, books, literature, reading

George Clinton- Knows a thing or two about the funk.

I apologize for the lack of promised posts over the past week, but I have been deep in a reading funk.  Despite being partway through several different books a week ago, I have only managed to complete one since then.  Instead of finishing my eleventh and twelfth books of the year, I have been staring blankly at pages, dozing with a book on my chest, or trying to force my way through a book only to land on “How I Met Your Mother” instead.  I wanted to read.  I tried to read.  For some reason, I just couldn’t read more than two painful pages before giving up.  The funk only ended yesterday, when I finally finished one book and made good progress on another.  I don’t know why yesterday was different, but it all finally clicked.  The funk now defeated, I should have multiple reviews soon.  If I am going to get to 100 before the end of the year, I need to avoid returning to the funk.  Have you ever gone through a similar funk?  Couldn’t find your reading groove?  What can be done to get over it?  Suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Old Man Practice: Dagnab Newfangled Technology!

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books, rant, reading, technology

I was born to be an old man.  Some people dread getting older, getting wrinkled, and getting cranky.  Not me.  I understand why they are called the golden years.  In order to make the most of my old-manhood, I have decided to practice.  This rant is the result.

Future Me is old and doesn't care what you think. Future My Wife is slightly embarassed.

I recently started in a new teaching position, and on the first day of the new semester (and my first day on the job), my students were required to fill out “Student Data Sheets.”  These were pretty basic, asking for both student and parent contact info.  I couldn’t believe the number of students who asked permission to take out their cell phones to get the necessary data.  I understand not knowing your parent’s cell phone number when you are 15 and have your own phone with your folks programmed into it, but not knowing your own home phone number?!    It seems trivial, but I think this is indicative of a dangerous trend. 

Technology has made the storage and retrieval of information so easy that there is no need for any basic memorization anymore.  Why read a book when there is Wikipedia or Sparknotes online for free?  Why memorize a poem or a passage when you can just search for it on your iPhone?

Don’t get me wrong, I love being able to find just about anything on the internet.  What worries me is that we are producing generations of young people who have no conception of what it means to analyze, memorize, and synthesize information because they simply don’t have to.  These blasted kids absolutely refuse to read assigned literature.  It makes much more sense to them to read a summary that tells them the gist of whatever the assignment is, and finding such a summary is now a piece of cake.  That serves them well for the present.  Someday they will need the ability to think without internet assistance.  What happens then?  I’ll tell you what happens: they will hold me up in line at Luby’s because they won’t have the mental capacity to choose between lemon meringue and key lime pie (the answer is both).

I don’t know how to combat this problem.  I might even be overreacting.  I just can’t help but think that the technologies of convenience in schools today will become the technologies of dependence in all parts of society tomorrow.

Here’s what we’re going to do.  First, you kids get off my lawn.  Then, turn off the devil music.  Next, pull up your pants.  Finally, go read a book.

Rant over.

Anyone who comments gets an imaginary butterscotch.